Another day, another spin on the hyperbole collider that is The Roundabout, erotically slapping together the tallest transfer tales from today’s tabloids like my right hand and your mother’s left buttcheek in the darkest corner of Northampton’s worst night club.
Putting the full force of a thousand Hugh Hefners behind that aforementioned cheeky spank is news that everybody in the world, including Hugh Hefner, wants to buy Rennes teenager Ousmane Dembele, who has been scoring at a better rate than Hugh Hefner – well, not quite, 12 goals in 21 appearances – since making his Ligue 1 debut in November.
Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea are all eager to entice the 18-year-old into a little bump-n-grind down at the local Oceana but it’s Tottenham Hotspur who are reportedly winning this somewhat inappropriately-described kiss chase.
Meanwhile, West Ham have been binge-watching the first series of True Detective and are ready to prove that time is indeed a flat circle by bringing decaying Manchester United maestro Michael Carrick back to East London to finish his career at a club he once ditched for acrimonious neighbours Tottenham Hotspur. Hey man, it was twelve years ago – let it go already.
And speaking of West Ham, their never-ending list of potential striker signings has gained two more members today, in no small part due to the stroppy antics of Snapchat rager Diafra Sakho. Jordan Ayew, who has been a beam of potentially fertile manure amid the nuclear wasteland that is Aston Villa this season, is reportedly on their radar, as well as 43-goals-in-50-games frontman Gustavo Bou. He sounds too good to be true, and probably is.
In somewhat less cockney news – “US COCKNEYS IS A DYING BREED I TELL YA,” shouted by cockney taxi driver yesterday amid a bigoted car journey that felt very much like I was dying – Football Leaks have revealed that Manchester City and Manchester United transfer target Neymar has a £153million release clause in his contract. Moreover, he’s being paid just £77k per week – news that has left the footballing world sniggering like they’ve just seen Roy Keane’s tackle on a cold winter morning.
Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United target Kostas Manolas has refused to deny his agent is in talks with the Red Devils by refusing to confirm his agent is in talks with the Red Devils by telling a journalist he had no idea what they were talking about when asked if his agent is in talks with the Red Devils. Confused? Well, now you know how the Roma centre-back feels.
And finally, finishing us off is the tallest transfer tale of the day, courtesy of the tallest tall tale tellers in all the land – yes, even taller than Dodgy Dave Spameron – The Metro. They claim Fulham flop Kostas Mitroglu, who you might remember arrived at Craven Cottage in January 2014 for £12million, quickly realised Fulham were about to be relegated and hailed a cab to the nearest feta bar instead of actually playing for them, could sign for Arsenal. What a turn up for the books, and the cheese industry, that would be.
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